The Darkest Corners
by K.Eliz
Summary: Reeling from the departure of his wife Lagertha and son Bjorn, Ragnar feels the weight of an uncertain fate.


**Reeling from the departure of his wife Lagertha and son Bjorn, Ragnar feels the weight of an uncertain fate.**

"How does it feel Ragnar…. becoming a father again?"

Ragnar looks off at the distance, focusing on nothing in particular. He and Athelstan sit in silence; fishing in still waters in a 2-man boat they'd rowed a good distance out to sea.

"Children are wonderful. And I am glad for this child."

A few seconds pause and Ragnar smirks sharply "Assuming it is mine" he quips.

Athelstan looks over at his ex-master, now friend, adjusting his fishing line. Ragnar continues;

"It seems whatever the gods give me, they take something else away."

It had been nearly a month since Lagertha and Bjorn left Ragnar behind in Kattegat. While he was still hopeful that his family would soon return, the pain of their departure had been too much for him to bear. However, today was a bit different. It was the first morning in weeks that Ragnar was not severely intoxicated. Athelstan encouraged his friend to take in some fresh air, instead of mead, with breakfast. He was pleasantly surprised when Ragnar not only agreed, but suggested they go fishing as well. For Ragnar, if he wasn't going to be drinking, best to be catching something to eat.

As they sat in silence with nothing tugging at either line, Athelstan recalled Ragnar's pain when he and Lagertha lost their 2nd son in a late term miscarriage last year. It was during Lagertha's pregnancy that Athelstan came to know just how important posterity was to Ragnar. With only one son, Ragnar wanted assurances that his legacy would live far beyond his years. Just after their daughter Gyda was born, the Seer foretold that Ragnar would have many sons to carry out the Lothbrok name. While that prophecy lurked in the back of Ragnar's mind, it felt neither paramount or burdensome. He enjoyed a deeply loving relationship with Lagertha, and he was content with their two children. But once Ragnar won renown by successfully traveling west and leading lucrative raids—the prophecy rushed to the forefront of his mind. There was now a legacy to uphold, and the clock was ticking.

With the arrival of baby Ubbe, Athelstan could see excitement, of sorts, in Ragnar. Alas, the fertility burden had been lifted, but as Ragnar had just implied- it seems he'd simply exchanged one burden for another. Despite the arrival of a new son, one did not need to search to find pain in Ragnar's eyes.

Ragnar worried; _Will I need to let go of my first son in order to fully accept another?_

He did not like the idea of a new child 'replacing' his first. Bjorn was his everything. His firstborn, his apprentice -and if he was being honest— his very best friend. He felt uncomfortable with so many things being out of his control; the most of which, the whereabouts of his family.

There was no denying Lagertha's toughness and Bjorn's bravery. And he had no doubt that his clever, resourceful shieldmaiden was a survivor. But no ax, spear nor their iron will could be any match for a band of predators. These were visions that haunted Ragnar's dreams. A woman as beautiful and slight as Lagertha, would be the most exciting prey for a group of vagabonds.

 _What if they violated her?_

 _What if Bjorn was forced to bear witness?_

 _How am I supposed to find their attackers and kill them...and do it slowly?_

 _How would I even know any of it was happening?_

As devastating as those thoughts were for Ragnar, he allowed them. There were another set of thoughts Ragnar actively pushed out of his mind. These had less to do with Lagertha and Bjorn's physical welfare, and more to do with their emotional well being.

 _Absolutely not._ The proud man that he was, Ragnar would not allow regret. But as the moments passed he could not stop certain suppressed thoughts from creeping into his conscience from the darkest corners of his mind.

 _Why did the gods take my little girl?_

 _Why did they take my unborn son? And why didn't I have a chance to say goodbye to either? Are the gods punishing me?_

 _My curse has touched my family. They are feeling the pain for something I have done, and I know not what it is._

 _Who could predict that Princess Aslaug would bear a son for me?_

 _And how could I know she would arrive to Kattegat, sincerely with child?_

 _Does Lagertha not trust my devotion to her? Have I lost her love?_

And perhaps most painfully-

 _Why would Bjorn choose to leave as well?_

Ragnar refused to ponder the sobering reality that his actions with the princess could have diminished the almighty, unwavering esteem Bjorn had held for him. His son; whom he'd reared, trained, protected, disciplined and prepared for greatness—did not choose him. _Does Bjorn not realize, everything I do is for him?_

And Lagertha. Hotheaded and impulsive as ever, letting one of her tantrums get the best of her, and spin this far out of control. To know that she had actually packed up to leave without a word. Sixteen years together. Fuck that. And fuck her.

Yet and still, at his core, he also knew Lagertha had given him her heart. And he had broken what was left of it, just after the death of two of their children.

Ragnar did all that he could to fight the awful realization; that he'd gotten just what he deserved.

These were the thoughts that made him physically ill each day. The numbing effect of the mead wasn't enough to chase those demons. Since Lagertha and Bjorn left, Ragnar spoke very little, and said nothing of his pain—but he did not need to. Athelstan knew what was driving Ragnar to sit high in the hills each day to monitor the paths leading into their village. Faithfully awaiting his family's return.

Overwhelmed by his sober mind, after several wordless minutes Ragnar finally spoke.

"I want you to pray, Athelstan." He finally looked into his Christian friend's eyes. "Pray to your god, Jesus, for the safety of my wife and child." His voice broke over his last words. His eyes then shifted focus, seemingly looking past Athelstan, but again focusing on nothing in particular. "And also that I shall recover… and rejoice in what the gods have in store. I want to love this new child as I have loved my others. You see priest…" he smirked, successfully shaking off the onslaught of untimely emotion."I need all the help I can get."

Reaching over to touch his good friend's shoulder "Indeed." Athelstan affirms. "The Bible says 'Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not to your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your path'. So trust the gods. I have faith that it will all make sense in time."

Ragnar exhales. "I have no choice. For there is nothing left for me to do."


End file.
